friendship

Friendship involves the willingness to invest time, effort, thought, and feeling.  There is no easy way out on developing friendships.  Most people want to be emotionally close with their friends.  One way of doing it is through communication.  For some people, communication is the center piece of friendship.  For most women, they talk not only the major issues in their lives, but also things that could be as little as sesames, and they want their friends to know and understand their inner selves.  Another way of getting emotionally closer with friends is sharing activities.  I enjoy doing things together with my friends, and sometimes even doing things for them.  We all want to be accepted by our friends even our flaws.  I think one of the purposes to having friends is to make one another a better person.  I think trust and support are the 2 most important elements of friendship because if you are able to trust you friends that would mean that you had probably developed a successful friendship.  Support is important because this is what friends are for.

opinions about the class

I really like this class because I actually learned from it, and I do like the self-learning experience.  Another reason that I like about the class is that it is an online class.  It feels great when I don’t have to go to school but still be able to learn and earn credits.  I like the part of peers posting and commenting on each other’s walls.  We not only learn from the book, but we also learned on the experiences of others.  The least favorite thing that I like about the class is also the blogging.  Throughout the course, we had the 12 hour restriction between each post.  I struggled with that because it was easily to be forgotten.  I think a way to improve this class to make the discussions be due on Sunday nights instead of Saturday nights because I would then have time to get together with my friends.

what I learned from the class

Over the course of the semester, I’ve learned a lot.  I learned that conflicts are natural in relationships.  No matter what kind of relationship you are talking about, conflict is definitely a part of it.  I also learned that the way of communication between male and female is different.  Men tend to talk less emotionally than women do.  I think this is probably why most girls are more talkative than guys.  The most important thing that I learned is the nature of friendship.  I learned how friendship could be improved and how to resolve the conflicts within.  I used to expect my friends to be there for me when I need them because I am always there for them when they needed me.  I then realized that I cannot put my standards on them because everyone thinks differently.  When my friends were not there for me when I needed, I was really sad, but we actually got closer after I’d talked to them about how I felt about it.  I really think that communication is the key to friendship.

changes in 50 years

                In this chapter, it mentioned about gay and lesbian marriage.  Gay and lesbian marriage have changed a lot in the past, but nowadays, most states of United States still do not recognize same-sex marriage.  A number of United States clergy perform ceremonies to unite same-sex couples, and many states have passed civil rights laws to ensure that same-sex partners have legal rights just like heterosexual couples do.  In my opinion, gay marriage will be legal in most of the states in United States in fifty years. Since majority of gay men and lesbians seek long-term, committed relationship that are stable and enduring, just like heterosexual couples do, they should also have their right to get married.  For most of them, marriage is not an idea or goal; they want long-term commitments that are based on values that confirm with their identities. I think it is also important to have the same right as heterosexual couples.

family

                Family is very important.  It is a group of people who are related, and they care for each other.  The most common form of family involves in marriage and cohabitation.  People that get married do not always stay married.  Family members put their family in the first place for any decision makings.  Before I make any decisions, I always think about how my parents would feel about the decision I made.  I care my family a lot.  When my sister got sick and had a fever, I did not sleep, instead I was watching over her.   A family is formed by two people getting together and that they did not know each other before.  They live together and try to get used to the other half’s habits.  Conflict-habituated marriage does not fit in my definition because in this type of relationship, partners are forced to live with each other even though there is no love. 

Engaging in Dual Perspective

In page 289 of the text, it talked about engaging in Dual Perspective. Dual perspective represents an understanding of our own perspective as well as another person’s perspective, thoughts, feelings, etc.  The ability to adopt the perspective of others is central to interpersonal communication competence. From the topic that I learned in the text, I understand that dual perspective is very important in a serious romantic relationship. We should get to know someone if we really love them. It is also important to share feelings between two people in a relationship. We want to feel that he or she takes our perspective into account when interacting with us.  Both people have to get to know other very well in order to engage in dual perspective.  I understand that sometimes it is very hard to consider others feeling, but once the relationship get into the I- thou relationship dual perspective is especially important.  

Love and Commitment

I had experienced a relationship with only love but not commitment.  Love and commitment are both important to a relationship.  Commitment always comes after love.  Commitment without love would not be fulfilled.  Sometimes people get in relationships just want to get over with someone sooner.  Relationships that lack either commitment or love often do not end happily.

A friend of mine had recently experienced a relationship with commitment but not love.  At first, everything was good, but as time goes by, she started feel like he just want someone to stay with him when he is alone.  Whenever he was with his friends, he never answered her calls, but when he was alone, that was the only time that he approached to her first.  She started to think back about the words that he said to her when they started the relationship, then she realized how stupid she was for believing his words. she finally got the courage to end this relationship, but he probably did not know how much she was hurt by him.

Online relationships vs. face-to-face relationships

Everyone has a way to represent themselves.  They also act differently in front of one another and different occasions.  People always want to show their best traits to the people they love.  For example, when a person goes on a date, he/she would want to dress in their nicest shirt to impress their boyfriend/girlfriend.  Online relationships may have a greater chance of deception because the information you know and see depends on what the person wants others to know.  Often the information may not be true.  On the other hand, face-to-face relationship has a less chance of deception because you can actually interact with the person.  Face-to-face interactions help people to know more about each other.  I think online relationships cannot last very long because you have never met the person that you “dating” with.  You may not even know about the real side or characteristics about the person.   In comparison with online relationship, face-to-face relationship feels more secure than online relationship.

Friend's support

One concept that I found really interesting this week is on page 257, talking about friend’s support. In our lives, we always expected friends to support us.  There are many different ways to show support. One of the common types to show support is the relationship message, saying something like “I care about you.” We can also support our friends by listening to their problems. The more mindfully we listen, the more support we provide. After we listened, we should respond wisely. Another way we support friends by showing that they are not alone, we can say “I’ve felt that way, too” or “I’ve had the same problem,” by saying that, we signal that we understand their feelings. Availability is also another important form of support. Even if there are nothing that we can help, but it is also important for us to be with friends so that they have company in their sadness. In this section, I am very surprised that women and men tend to differ in how they support friends. Women tend to provide more personal communication than men do. They are more likely to talk about feelings, dimensions of emotional issues, and fears that accompany distress. In other words, instead of engaging in direct and sustained emotional talk, men tend to communicate support more instrumentally. 

friendship advice forum

                After I read about the advice forum, I am surprised that there are many people having trouble with maintaining the relationship with friends. People were facing these troubles in their real life, and then they hope people to give advice through the internet. From the Friendship Page, I can also tell that there are many nice people willing to give out advice about how to make friends.  I agree with the quote “Friendship is one mind in two bodies.” A true friend can actually change one’s personality. Sometimes, I realized that my best friend knows me better than myself. After I listened to my best friend’s advices, I usually will have a slightly different perspective toward things. I can learn more about how people think, I can also learn more communication skills when I make new friends. Friends do not have to be exactly the same, they have similarities but they also have their differences. We should not judge our friends, we should not only to expand on similarities but also to accept each other’s faults.

Affirm and Assert Yourself

                The concept that I found really interested from this week is on page 212, about affirm and assert yourself. It talks about how important to affirm yourself.  I also learned that I am no less valuable, my preference is no less valid than others. We should respect and honor both ourselves and other’s needs. The principle of confirming people’s worth applies just as much to oneself as to others. Sometimes, we will not be able to meet all the needs in relationships, but it is also important to express our feelings to them. If we do not give any voices, there are no ways others can confirm us. The text also defined assertion, which is a matter of clearly and nonjudgmentally stating what you feel, need, or want. We can be asserted without disparaging others. We should also learn how people affirm themselves, and different ways to express their feelings directly or indirectly in order to communicate more effectively. 

Comfirming others

                I agree that it is always hard to confirm others when I disagree with them. Since we live in a huge society, it is very easy that we have different opinion towards things. In the session, Confirming and Disconfirming Climates from the text, I learned that all of us need confirmation to be healthy and to grow. In other word, we need confirmation to feel cherished and respected. There are few different levels of confirmation and disconfirmation. The first level is recognizing that another person exists, we disconfirm others at a fundamental level when we don’t acknowledge their existence. The second level is acknowledgment of what another feels, thinks, or says; if we disconfirm others, our responses will be tangential, irrelevant. And the strongest level is endorsement, it involves accepting another’s feeling or thought through the communication process. From the text, I also learn that disagreements can be productive and healthy. Sometimes, it is fundamentally disconfirming to have others ignore what we say and think.

fallacies

           After reading the last section of the chapter which discussed about fallacies, I can see there are many similarities within my life. When people express their feelings to us, we usually respond with a general statement. If we want to become skilled in listening and responding, we should not get into a perspective conversation. When people talked about bad things about their lives, they may not mean to let you help, but just want you to listen to them. The text has included six different fallacies which we normally encounter in our daily lives, perfectionism, obsession with should, overgeneralization, taking responsibility for others, helplessness, and fear of catastrophic. If we are taking too much responsibility for others, it is much easier for us to get into troubles. When people were talking about themselves, we better become a good listener and think before we respond. We also should not become helplessness, if there really is nothing that we can help, we should not be depressed neither.

identify your emotions

                The concept that I found really interesting this week is on page 185 talking about identifying your emotions. It is very important for a person to identify their emotions. Sometimes, your emotions will directly affect how people feel about you, so it is important to maintain a good attitude when you are having a conversation with others. Learning to identify emotions, then we can ignore our feelings and teach ourselves to notice and heed them. And also I really like the example from the text, talking about people sometimes feel both anxious and hopeful. Recognizing the existence of both feelings allow you to help yourself to fit it and to communicate accurately. If people are experiencing multiple emotions at once, it is easier for them to feel hopeless or even unclear about what they feel.  It is always hard to be able to identify our own emotions. We have to give mindful attention to our inner self in order to learn our emotions.

different emotions

                According to the text, there are some view points toward different kinds of emotions. For example, emotions can be defined as the perceptual view of emotions and the cognitive labeling view of emotions. The perceptual view of emotions let us express our feelings with a subjective perceptions shape, it also remind us on how our physiological reactions to external events. Different interpretations would lead us to define our emotions distinctly. In other word, how we see things directly affect how we feel. The cognitive labeling view of emotions is similar to perceptual view of emotions, the difference between them is the cognitive labeling view of emotions offers a better explanation of our personal experiences, it also emphasizes the role of language in shaping our appropriate emotions. In other word, people express themselves differently based on different personal experiences that have happened on them before. the cognitive labeling view of emotions make more sense to me, since it emphasized that different personal experiences would  change our view point on different cases. 

Adapting Listening to Communication Goals

                From the reading of this week, I learned few different reasons to listen. At first, we listen for pleasure, listening for pleasure does not require us to remember or respond. People also listen for information; we pay attention to gain information. We need to stay concentrated on the information and take as much as we can. In order to increase the efficiency of listening, we should also minimize noise in the communication. Sometime, asking the speaker to restate the message will help to understand. Another important technique for increasing retention is to use aids to recall, which are memory aids that create patterns for what just heard. We also need to organize the information that we just heard, and then understand it. Lastly, people also listen to support others, it is very important to be careful of expressing judgments. While we were listening our friend’s worries, we should care about their feelings. After we understand their perspective, we should express supports.

Listening is a 10 Part Skill

From the article by Dr. Nichols from 1957, I can see many skills that we can use in our live when we are communicating with someone. I am very surprised that an average person listens at about 25 percent efficiency without training. To improve the listening skill, it  is very important to make sure that the listener interested in the topic that you are talking about, but even if the conversation do not start with a good topic, a smart listener should pay attention to anything that is being said, because those messages may be useful in the future. In addition, if the listener wants to ask a question, he has to respect the speaker. The listener should also think thoughtfully before they start talking, and sometimes it is better to let the speaker finish even if the topic is very ridiculous. Good listeners learn from the speaker, and can be able to develop the speaker’s idea and make comments on it. Listening is a hard work, it is important that the listeners make eye contact or facial expression to the speaker in order to let the speaker know that if the listeners understand the topic or not. If the listener distract by someone, they will have the chance to miss the main point, so we should concentrate on the topic. Therefore, as a listener, we should respect the speaker and give feedbacks afterwards.

6 forms of nonlistening

                In chapter 6, I learned six different forms of Nonlistening.  For example, Pseudolistening means that one is pretending to listen, but they were not paying attention actually. Refer back to myself, when I get bored in a conversation, I will be Pseudolistening. Since I feel that information was not important, I will choose to think about other random things when I looked like I am listening. In Monopolizing, people show that they are not interested in the speaker by changing topic. They take the conversation away from the person who is talking and focuses it on themselves. Selective Listening, people only choose to pay attention at topics that they are interested. When the speaker said something related to things that they are interested, they will start to pay attention. Defensive Listening means that people show their criticism in the conversation, usually if someone’s hurt, their replies tend to be disrespectful, in order to protect themselves. Ambushing means that one listens very carefully and prepares to attack the speaker. In a debate, one will memorize the point that their opponent mentioned, and restate the point from their perspective. Lastly, in Literal Listening, people are not sensitive to others feeling, or they just got the wrong point from the message. 

Hate Speech

According to the Free Speech Museum’s Hate Speech page, hate speech is a disrespectful speech that used to critics someone based on their ethnicity or culture. Although hate speech is an evil speech, it is however allowed in the United States under the protection of the first amendment, freedom of speech. Since many people like to share their personal opinion on the web, such as writing a blog, there would definitely contain some hate speeches. I think it is impossible to fully ban hate speech, but it doesn’t mean that we can critics others publicly through the web. We can think about it reversely, what if people critics you openly? How would you feel? I don’t think there is a need to set up a law to regulate hate speech, because we are all human beings and we should have a harmless heart. If you really disagree with someone’s behavior or personality, you can stop contacting or even forget them, and there is no need to critics someone on the web publicly.

Metaphors For America Society

Both melting pot and rainbow are great metaphors for describing our American society in the past. However, time has changed where our society has become more diversity, people and their cultures are no longer unifying into the same pot. Therefore, I prefer one of Reverend Jesse Jackson’s metaphors, which is our United Stated is unifying as a rainbow. Each color represents different ethnicity and culture, and all the colors combine as rainbow, which is why we call our country as the United States. As we look at the rainbow, we can see all the colorful strips that made up the shinny little bridge. Just like people who are coming into America, they can easily tell our country is united by many different kinds of people, culture, and ethnicity. Although our country has many differences for everything, we are still a happy and united family, just like the colorful rainbow has given us the feelings of happiness and hope.

Attachment Styles

The concept I found interesting in Chapter 2 is the patterns of caregiving that teach us who we and others are, also known as attachment styles. I truly believe that we learn most of the attachment styles from our parents and other family members. Since we spend all the time living with our family members in our earlier life, we basically absorb all the things that they have told us. As a little child, we would not disagree with their theories, because we do not have that much thinking yet, and we always truly trust them. In addition, the first bond of attachment styles is really important since that is what we have first learnt and according to the text, it also forms the child’s foundation for later relationship. Just like mathematics, we need to have a good foundation of algebra 1 in order to go on to algebra 2, otherwise, you can hardly pass algebra 2. Therefore, parents need to make sure they communicate through attachment styles really well before their child go on to later relationship.

Race

According to the text, race is considered a primary aspect of a person’s own identity. Race sometimes is a useful way to classify people. We can identify people’s culture by their race, and learn their life style. However, people may come up with a wrong concept about some races. They may have an idea that all black people are bully and white people are really helpful. In fact, this is absolutely wrong. Black people are also helpful, and on the other hand, some white people can be bully. The Census Bureau should allow people to check multiple races, because many people have more than one race. They should have the right to declare all their races. In addition, we are in a united country, we should expect a person with more than one race. For example, when a half Chinese, half Japanese female marries a white male, their children would have three races. Therefore, we should not look at others’ physical appearance and determine what races they belong to. 

Genders Change Over Generation

I interviewed my parents who were in their 40s. My mom mentioned that when she was at my age, she was expected to help out with her family, since she was the only daughter in her family. She was also expected to be getting married and respectful in front of the elders. My dad said that at that age, he was expected to learn his own skill in order to support his own family in the future.

Then, I interview my grandparents who were in their 60s. My grandma said when she was at my age, she was expected to stayed at home and helped their family do all the housework. She didn't need to find a job and she couldn't divorce for any reason after she got married. My grandpa mentioned that he didn't need to do any housework but go to find a job. He was responsible to earn money for their family.

After I interviewed both my parents and grandparents, I found out that our behaviors really did change over generations. Both female and male are expected to go to college and earn a degree nowadays. We are not expected to get married in our 20s, and we can even choose not to get married in our whole life long. We could get divorced whenever we want when we had any problem. In addition, both female and male have gained equal rights and roles. Female could be independent and male is also responsible for taking care of the family.

Personal Knowledge

According page 24 of the text, Interpersonal communication fosters personal knowledge and insights, I learned that people have to understand each other's feeling in order to connect as unique individuals. Which corresponded with I-It to I-Thou procedure that I read. When the relationship between my friends and I becomes closer, I started to understand their background, and I would understand their concerns, and personal issues that happens on them. The text also mentioned that  sometimes people may even feel that their closest friends know themselves better that they do. I agreed with this statement. I believed my friend really know my personality better than myself, because when I shared experience with them, they know what I really can do, but not what I think I could do. I can always improve myself while communicating to closed friend of mine Also, when it turned into the I-Thou relationship, people create their own method to communicate in order to make each other feel more comfortable.

from I-it to I-thou

When I was in high school, I met one of my best friend. At first, I met her in my biology class, then I realized we also have English class together, so we started to talk to each other. That was an I-It relationship, which we don't talk much about ourselves. Basically, we were just hi-bye kind of friends. One time, there were a Bio project that we needed to work together, we had more time to communicate. Since we had to talk about details about the project, we exchanged our phone number and email address. That turned our relationship into I-You relationship. We chatted online about ourselves besides Bio project. After we got to know each other, I realized she is a really nice person. Then when I spent more time being with her, our relationship turned into I-Thou relationship, because we were really closed to each other. We started playing sports together, and sharing experiences about ourselves. Once our relationship became I-Thou relationship, we both treat each other as a very important person in life.

linear models and interactive models

In the passage from the book, linear models only have one direction, from a speaker to a listener. For example, a teacher is giving instructions to a  student, which the student would listen carefully and do certain reactions to respond, such as nodding, smiling to show that they have received the information from the teacher. Also, listeners will never send messages, they absorb only passively what the speakers have told them. Misunderstanding is easier to occur during linear models, because there were lack of connections between them.  

While interactive models involve feed-backs from the listeners, but it still required a sender and a receiver. Refer to the previous example, after the teacher has given out instructions, the student would shares his/her own views or experiences based on the information that he/she has heard from the teacher.  According to the text, all communications require people both send and receive messages. Therefore, interactive models still can not consider as communication.

Introductory Post

Hi, I'm Denise Wong, I came from Fremont, originally from Hong Kong. My major is communication studies. I'm interested in photography and traveling.